Had to put down my dog tonight

We were supposed to go camping tonight.  I was going out back to give the dog some water and to make sure she had lots of food.  Just as she has done everyday for 14 years so excitedly jumped up to see me.  Only this time she broke her back hips. 

I heard it.

Clearly.

I started screaming for my wife in the house, but all the windows were closed and she couldn’t hear me.  I couldn’t walk away from the dog cause she was trying to follow me, dragging her hind end behind her.  Finally I get into the back porch and get my youngest’s attention.  “Go get your mom and don’t come out here”

My wife gets outside and I am leaned over the dog, half crying.  This is what I have been dreading for a year.  She has not been in pain, I check her everyday but she hasn’t been her self.  Slowed down.  Pooping where ever shes standing.

I tell myself I can’t take her to the vet to be put down.  I can’t do it.  I took my daughters cat 3 months ago and it ranks with one of the worst things I have been around for.  This dog is like one of my kids.  I always called her “my oldest girl”.  Suddenly the dog is up, and able to walk a few steps without limping!  WTF?

I say to my wife, what do i do?  “its your call” she says.  The dogs rear quarters then colapse.  Then she gets up.  Then again.

I pet her for a moment, my wife goes to tell the girls and ask them if they want to come say goodbye.  Meanwhile I am beside myself.  Bawling.  Wife comes back out.  I say I am taking her.  Lift her into the car.

She hasn’t so much of whimpered since I heard the snap and was able to straighten her out (she was bent in a gross position at first) .  I am trying to drive through the tears, and remember the other dogs I have lost in my life.  I remember when I was 12 and put down my first dog, it was the first time I saw my dad cry.  This may be the first time Claire (my youngest) has seen me cry, am not sure. 

After leaving her in the car to go make arrangements I go back out to bring her in.  I got a 20 year old person who works there with me, and I am trying to hold it together but am a complete mess.  The dog is now in shock.  Doesn’t respond when she sees me, or to anything I say.  I pick her up and carry her in.  Its awful.  One of the worst thing I ever done.

I think about all the times I was too tired to walk her.

All the times I yelled at her for barking when she just wanted to be petted.

All the times I took the best dog I ever owned for granted.

I loved that dog like a child.  More than once my wife growled “you worry more about that dog than me”.  but all I could think of tonight was no more walks.  No more chances.

It took every ounce of everything in me not to drown my self in Jack Daniels tonight. That or put my hand through a wall.  Likely both if i had started drinking. 

Hospital bed thinking I was having a heart attack.

22 day migraine that resulted in 6 trips to doctors.

Losing my last grandparent.

Worried about the health of my father and his wife.

Other family shit that won’t be brought up here.

Putting down two family pets.

Great fucking year I am having.

I love you Maggie.  Goodbye.

Nice to have everyone under one roof again

Every summer my wife and two kids go away for a week with the inlaws camping.  I always joke to the boys “Summer of Shane” when they are gone and joke about having the house to myself etc etc, and always within 48 hours I am finding the house much to quiet.  They went away in late June and were gone 7 days.  Now this past week my oldest daughter went to her annual camp and just came home yesterday.  I much prefer having everyone under the same roof.  It’s just too quiet when they are not all here.

Day 3 in the books and heat wave!

So like much of the east coast we are experiencing a heat wave.  I biked to and from work (just under 5 km) and then after supper went to the beach with the family.  Got home at 9:30 and although beat from the sun and the lonnnnnnnnng day at work I still got my workout in.  Shoulders bis and tris along with some torture, errrrr i mean Ab Ripper X to top it off.

Here’s a pic from the beach of myself my wife and my oldest girl. 

exercise today
P90x day 3 – ARX, delts tris bis
10 km bike
steps 11215 today     32326/1,000,000 total
WW points 31

Proms, teenage girls, bloodpressure etc

Tomorrow my 12 , soon to be 13 year old daughter attends her first “prom”.  Yeah ok its her grade 7 prom, and I have alot more of these to drink my way through get through, but its still, well……blech.  I always tease my wife that boys would have been easier.  I was a boy.  I know boy stuff.  Argue with your best friend.  A quick scuffle settles it, and in my case often times I was playing , star wars, sports, watching the ball game whatever literally sometimes within the hour.  Girls?  a slight, perceived or otherwise, can lead to weeks of foolishness, name calling, world war 3 level bs that can seem like the end as we know it is upon us.  My girls are 10 and 12, with my 12 year old going to turn 13 within 3 months, and I want to lock em up and let em out when they are 18. 

Sigh.  On to other topics.

Things are going ok.  An earlier in the year blood pressure/health scare has worked itself out, and I am starting to feel better.  The catch 22 about starting to feel better is I am falling into some of the old bad habits that got me feeling like shit in the first place!  Got to get my head back in the game and get moving.  I have lost 30 ish pounds with alot more to go.  I will get myself fit and healthy by my birthday, Dec 31 2010.  I do not want to reach another birthday with 30 percent body fat and a 14 month pregnant looking belly.

The nice weather is finally upon us and I went with the wife and youngest daughter to the beach this past weekend.  While certainly not turning any heads on the beach I did have enough confidence to take my shirt off and not feel I would be shot with a harpoon gun as a beached whale.  Progress I guess.  Hope to get to the beach more this year.

Not a whole lot else going on, wife going away with the kids next week camping with my inlaws so I will be a not so swinging bachelor.  Might get a poker game or two in but other than that, I work through the week and will likely be laying low taking it easy and enjoying some quiet.

All for now.

Getting my head back in the game

So with all that has been going on in my family life, the last week has been a rough one.  Unfortunately, I have been around a lot of death in my 38 years.  It is as they say a part of life.  I have lost uncles, friends, neighbors, grandparents, 2 nephews and a niece to name but a few.  The following quote by Brandon Lee, the son of Bruce Lee has always stuck with me.  Eerily, I saw an interview with him weeks before he died when he said the following

“Because we do not know when we will die, we get to think of life as an inexhaustible well. And yet everything happens only a certain number of times. And a very small number really.”

The little bit of me you have read, you have probably figured out I am in my head a lot.  I struggle with proper mindset but I work tirelessly at it.  I have read Tony Robbins, Jim Rohn, Ziegler and other giants of the self-help/motivation/mindset  for years.  I took Anthony Robbins course Personal Power when I was 19 years old and I may not be over stating it that it may have saved my life.  I guess what it comes down to is, as big a part of the transformation I am setting out to complete is as much on the inside as the out. 

The viewing for my grandfather is Sunday, and the funeral Monday.  I am not using this week as an excuse to go on some booze or food bender, and I am not sitting on my ample behind either.  Today I worked out for nearly an hour and a half, doing the Insanity fitness test just out of curiosity (I stunk, haha) a Power 90 Masters series workout, and to top it off then did the beginner workout of the Jillian Michaels Yoga dvd.  I got 3 Jillian Michaels workouts today for 20 bucks!  Always looking for more workouts, and since I started Power 90 I have gotten over the macho “I am a guy, i lift weights not do fitness videos” thing I used to fall victim to. 

Eats have not been 100 percent this week, and we’ll see where I am tomorrow when I return to weight watchers.  I am looking forward to getting back to the meeting, and I am looking forward to getting back in the groove and start progressing again.  I have been working out on and off for a few weeks on some goals and I will post about that soon.  I also have been working on a picture post showing some of the probably 100 “befores” I have taken over the years. 

All i got for now, going to watch a movie with the family. 

RIP.

My grandfather passed away this am.  Hopefully his suffering is over.  As it always does, a passing makes me think about my life, the regrets I have, the foolish shit I should have let go long ago, and how very short, be it 9 years or 90 a life is.  I have spent the last 10 years of my life trapped in  a broken down, fat old body.  I will do my best to spend the next 40 in a healthy one.

Life doesn’t stop…..

For those wondering, my grandfather at the time I am writing this (11:15pm Monday night ) is still with us.  Tough old battler that’s for sure!  This whole thing has stirred up some stuff, long since buried that won’t be mentioned here, but has definitely got me thinking.  Life is so short.  I blinked and went from 21 to 38.  I am going to blink again, wake up at 50!!!!!  Petty arguments, jealousies grudges and regrets simply are not worth it.  As I said last night, don’t sweat the small stuff.

I was suffering today, from a so so sleep and from my UML (Upper, Middle Lower) workout last night!  I walked too and from work today, 5 km each way, and got a short workout in this morning.  Hit nearly 16000 steps on the pedometer.  Eats were ok, not perfect, but not bad. 

I am going to bed and hopefully get a good nights sleep.  As far as the family stuff just taking it one day at a time. 

Stuff

Shitty day today.

I had to put down my daughters cat this afternoon. She was sick, and I would never make an animal suffer. Pet’s become part of the family, and even though I am a dog person, and always have been, it hurts to lose a pet, they become part of the family. The worst part is the utter heartbreak my daughter is feeling. She’s nine, and she’ll get over it. Unfortunately my kids, 9 and 12, have been around alot of death in their short lives in the family. It’s part of life, but to a nine year old little girl “its just not fair”.

I took her to the vet, and I stayed in the room when they put her down. It was awful, and my stomach has been turning steady since. I will be taking my dog for a walk soon to get some air, and I will be doing my Power 90 cardio tonight as well. I worry that I will be going through this again soon with my German Sheppard who is 13.5 years old. She is failing alot this last year, and while not in pain, I don’t want to keep her going when her quality of life degrades. That will be very tough for me, I brought her home the night I moved into this house as a 5 week old puppy. I have lost many pets through my life, and it doesn’t get any easier. I just wish I could make my little girl feel better.

Happy Thanksgiving

Today my family went over to my mother’s for Thanksgiving supper. Had some turkey, potatoes and vegetables with a peice of my favorite cake.  Yummy

 

Not a whole lot going on, been kind of a zombie the past two days thanks to the pills I have been taking for my back, so I have been sleeping alot and being in a fog generally.  I try not to take the muscle relaxants too much, only when absolutely necessary, as they make me absolutely loopy.

 

Back to work this week and I am looking forward to getting back.  Not much else to say, going to go watch the end of the Cowboys game.  Yeeeesh what an ugly game it has been. 

5 years in the Blink of an Eye

It was 5 years ago today that we got the call that for the second time in 16 months (to the day) we had lost a neice/nephew. 

 

Jessica right of my daughter at my daughters 5th bday. 

 

I wrote this for my niece and nephew the morning of her funeral:

 

Hand In Hand

A little boy of nine, a little girl of seven
Together again at last, hand in hand in heaven
God must have had a reason, but who knows what it’d be
But at least we can keep in mind that now they’re truly free

There lives here were short but they surely touched us all
We simply never know when God will make that call
We must remember the good times, and know its his plan
And remember they’re together walking hand in hand

I am sure Danny was waiting arms open at the gate
And even though its terrible no one can stop fate
So when you are feeling down, and the pain is too much to stand
Remember they are together, walking hand in hand

The sun will come up tomorrow, life will go on
And even though we miss them, together is where they belong
It’s all part of life even though we don’t understand
Now they are at peace, walking hand in hand

 

5 years ago today. 

Here is a link to Jessica’s obituary