Had to put down my dog tonight

We were supposed to go camping tonight.  I was going out back to give the dog some water and to make sure she had lots of food.  Just as she has done everyday for 14 years so excitedly jumped up to see me.  Only this time she broke her back hips. 

I heard it.

Clearly.

I started screaming for my wife in the house, but all the windows were closed and she couldn’t hear me.  I couldn’t walk away from the dog cause she was trying to follow me, dragging her hind end behind her.  Finally I get into the back porch and get my youngest’s attention.  “Go get your mom and don’t come out here”

My wife gets outside and I am leaned over the dog, half crying.  This is what I have been dreading for a year.  She has not been in pain, I check her everyday but she hasn’t been her self.  Slowed down.  Pooping where ever shes standing.

I tell myself I can’t take her to the vet to be put down.  I can’t do it.  I took my daughters cat 3 months ago and it ranks with one of the worst things I have been around for.  This dog is like one of my kids.  I always called her “my oldest girl”.  Suddenly the dog is up, and able to walk a few steps without limping!  WTF?

I say to my wife, what do i do?  “its your call” she says.  The dogs rear quarters then colapse.  Then she gets up.  Then again.

I pet her for a moment, my wife goes to tell the girls and ask them if they want to come say goodbye.  Meanwhile I am beside myself.  Bawling.  Wife comes back out.  I say I am taking her.  Lift her into the car.

She hasn’t so much of whimpered since I heard the snap and was able to straighten her out (she was bent in a gross position at first) .  I am trying to drive through the tears, and remember the other dogs I have lost in my life.  I remember when I was 12 and put down my first dog, it was the first time I saw my dad cry.  This may be the first time Claire (my youngest) has seen me cry, am not sure. 

After leaving her in the car to go make arrangements I go back out to bring her in.  I got a 20 year old person who works there with me, and I am trying to hold it together but am a complete mess.  The dog is now in shock.  Doesn’t respond when she sees me, or to anything I say.  I pick her up and carry her in.  Its awful.  One of the worst thing I ever done.

I think about all the times I was too tired to walk her.

All the times I yelled at her for barking when she just wanted to be petted.

All the times I took the best dog I ever owned for granted.

I loved that dog like a child.  More than once my wife growled “you worry more about that dog than me”.  but all I could think of tonight was no more walks.  No more chances.

It took every ounce of everything in me not to drown my self in Jack Daniels tonight. That or put my hand through a wall.  Likely both if i had started drinking. 

Hospital bed thinking I was having a heart attack.

22 day migraine that resulted in 6 trips to doctors.

Losing my last grandparent.

Worried about the health of my father and his wife.

Other family shit that won’t be brought up here.

Putting down two family pets.

Great fucking year I am having.

I love you Maggie.  Goodbye.

Change of Focus

So since starting this latest leg of my getting healthy and losing weight as much as I have fought it, I have placed a lot of focus and importance on losing weight on the scale. Yes I did, and still do have weight that I want to lose. I started at 230 lbs with a nearly 50 inch waist. Although I was saying here in this blog, and in my conversations the main thing was feeling good again and getting healthy, in my actions, and my internal dialog I was placing way way too much energy on the scale going down. Again, scale going down is an important part of this journey for me, but it should only be one source of feedback.

I have mentioned a couple times that I am feeling much better than I did when this all started and this is the truth. Chronic migraines have given way to two headaches in 4 months (a godsend), and even my back/neck/shoulder pain that was somedays severe, but always a daily thing in one degree or another, is so much better. Compared to how I felt on a daily basis in recent years, the last few months have been night and day. And really, isn’t that what is important?

I mean, I have made great progress. I am down nearly 30 lbs since March (although I have been stuck at 202-208 for 6 weeks). I am down 8-9 inches off my waist. With my nearly 130 days now of beachbody workouts, nearly everyday my fitness is improving week to week. I think that I should be focusing on the basics, eating well day to day following my weight watchers, and being more active. Walking more, biking/walking to work, walking on my breaks at work, as well as doing my workouts. If I eat well and move more, then getting hung up on what the scale reads is silly.

I had an experience in recent weeks where my scale at home read a certain number and I was estatic, only to walk out of the bathroom and get in the car and go to WW for those scales to say something else and I was livid. Now I didn’t lose any weight or gain, walking to my car certainly. To be estatic one minute and mad the next when there was no actual change is silly. So to combat this internal reliance on the scale as the ultimate method I am measuring my progress, the last couple weeks I have tried to stay away from the scales. Go to my WW meetings and weigh there, and the rest of the time focus on what I can control, eating better and moving more.

It won’t be something that is cured overnight. In my mind, I still place importance on the scale. I ultimately want to get down to around 180 or so, and get my bodyfat percentage down to a healthy level 12-16 percent. I am still 20 ish pounds from that. My waist is nearing sub 40 measurement, which is another big hurdle for me. Ultimately I want to get that down to 34 or so. Health is the ultimate goal, but how do you define “better health” or “good health”. For me its, healthy bloodpressure, cholesterol, and less/managable back pain. Less headaches. Being active, and not tired all the time. Not limited by my fitness levels for doing normal stuff I enjoy, sports, hiking, walking whatever.

So that is where my focus is now, cultivating a better and positive attitude. Focusing on not beating myself up because 38 year old me is not losing weight at the rate that 20 year old me could. I find myself whenever someone gives me a compliment on my progress, instead of being happy or whatever, I say something negative or “Still got a tonne to lose” or whatever. I need to focus on the positive stuff! I have lost 30 lbs. I am a few pounds away from being under 200 for the first time in 11 years. Thats a good accomplishment but not the be all and end all. But above and beyond the weight, I am getting leaner, stronger, more flexible. I have more energy and less pain. My quality of life is improving, and in the end, thats the best thing.

Bit of a disjointed post, doing it at work in between calls. These mindset posts are more written for myself, to try and get this stuff down in writing to make more sense of things. I hope someone gets something from them, as I am sure many of us walking this fitness journey struggle at times to time with mindset.

Headed camping for the first time this summer this weekend and will miss my weigh in this week at WW. I am bringing some resistance bands so i will do some light exercise while camping, and will be doing a lot of walking and stuff. Its going to be a different experience to go camping and not bring any beer for around the camp fire, but that is the plan. I will try and post again before I leave tomorrow after work.

Quiet week

This is week 4 for me in P90x and I am doing the recovery week.  I still find the yoga workouts very challenging.  I am working hard to get my flexibility up and lifting a few weights here and there for shoulders and arms, nothing too crazy.

Eats are pretty good, but this week, I have been craving a beer or 3 something terrible.  It’s been going on 5 weeks since I had one.  This weekend, and then next week when I go on 12 days vacation will be a huge test.  Work remains crazy busy, as it will for the next year or so , so I am just trying to pace myself in that regard, and not let it stress me too much.

All I got for now, I will try and be back with a more substancial post before I leave for camping on Friday night.  After all day on the computer at work, just haven’t wanted to be on here to post, got to catch up on my blog reading as well. 

Some Random thoughts heading into week 4 of P90x

Quiet Sunday night.  Today is my “day off”, but I am tinkering around with some dumbells while doing some reading.  Nothing too strenuous just doing some light shoulders and some stretching. Didn’t do a whole lot this weekend, got a couple walks in, worked out yesterday, and played a little tennis.  Was going to try and do some hiking but it rained.

Been working a little on my Vision, or long term fitness and health goals a little I will post them up as a page when I got something concrete down.  It will be a living document, that is it will change as I go, and its almost down to something readable now…lol.  Also been thinking of some other stuff this weekend, well to be honest, I am always in my head about this transformation/weight loss journey.  Here in no random order are some of the things I have been thinking about:

-Yesterday was a month since I drank ANY alcohol.  I don’t miss it most days, but come the end of the week, the last two weeks, I’ve been thirsty…..lol

-I bitch alot to people about getting old (I am 38 this year).  I know its a matter of perspective, and to people my mom’s age I am “a kid” and to my kids I am ancient.  Some days though, I feel 104 (but not EVERYDAY, like I did before the lastest trip down the road to get healthy)

-most days I feel better right now than I have in 10 years.  I had a flare up this past Thursday where I had to take muscle relaxants and pain killers for the first time in 3 months, but for the most part, in comparison to how I have felt the last couple years I feel great.

-I want to have a transformation video or set of pictures that motivates, just one person, anyone to take control of their own health and fitness.

-I give the number on the scale too much power in my life

-saw a quote by Craig Ballentyne, creator of the fantastic program Turbulence Traning, (paraphrasing) “What we do consistantly everyday, even on the weekends, leads us closer to our goals or further away”.  Great quote

-I need to be more vigilent in my tracking of my eats

-I need to drink more water

-I need to cut down on coffee (because of the sugar I put in it)

-I want to be in my best shape ever by my Birthday , 12/31/2010

Thats about it.  Just a smattering of stuff I have been thinking about.  I am going to go outside and get a little air/go for a walk.  Make it a great week everyone.

Nice to have everyone under one roof again

Every summer my wife and two kids go away for a week with the inlaws camping.  I always joke to the boys “Summer of Shane” when they are gone and joke about having the house to myself etc etc, and always within 48 hours I am finding the house much to quiet.  They went away in late June and were gone 7 days.  Now this past week my oldest daughter went to her annual camp and just came home yesterday.  I much prefer having everyone under the same roof.  It’s just too quiet when they are not all here.

Weekly Progress Pics, Big Milestones looming

I am getting very very very close to some big milestones that mean a lot to me.  Sub 200 and sub 40 inch waist.   I will get there soon.  Except for Thursday when I had the racket with my back spasms, I worked very hard this week, both with the eating and exercise. 

It’s hard not to let the scale define you when you are on this journey, and I am fighting letting the numbers decide how I feel.  This week I am very happy with the progress my pics are showing.  Here’s to another great week. 

Blog’s been quiet, but I’ve been working!

I haven’t had much to say this week blog wise, but the beat goes on and I have been working it!

Yesterday had a bit of a setback when I was having really nasty back pain, so much so that I had to leave work as I couldn’t concentrate through the back spasms.  I had to take muscle relaxants and pain killers for the first time since early April.  Then it was night night for 4 hours in bed.  When I got up I did some very light stretching and some light shoulders with the bands and dumbells.  Today I was feeling much better and was back to regular P90x, with no limitations.  I worked very hard, and pushed hard.

Tomorrow morning I have my weigh in at weight watchers haven’t been on the scale since Monday, when I had to weigh in for a weight loss contest I joined on Facebook that runs 6 weeks.  I am hoping for a great week, as I really worked hard.  Again however I re-iterate, all I can do is eat right and do the exercise.  The results have no choice but to come if i do that.

I will be back in the morning with weigh in results and progress pics.

There are no limits

Doing some blog reading I came across this post at a great blog over at Rosstraining.com. I encourage any of you that have never read any of his stuff, to spend some time going through his posts. Amazing stuff on this blog. His site is one of the most information packed site I have ever run accross.

These two videos are linked in that post. I didn’t find them myself, but am posting them here. I watch a lot of youtube videos for inspiration and this is one of the most inspiring I have ever seen. We have no valid excuses, no matter what.

Part 1

Part 2

Busting my butt, Day 15 P90x

Today I had probably the best work out of 2010.  I didn’t leave one cleanly done rep behind.

Not one.

I have been stagnating, the last month.  Stuck in neutral

Doing my workouts, sure.  Eating pretty clean, (occasional bad food here or there but not once over my WW points). 

Today I decided no more half assing it.  I am going to so what I can accomplish if I believe I can do this.  If i believe that getting under 200 (and 190 and 180) is no different than going from 225 to 220, or 215 to 212.  I am going to trust in the plan of attack I have chosen (Weight Watchers for food, p90x for workouts) and give this every ounce of energy I got.

Don’t get me wrong, I long for the day that this takes no effort.  It’s just something I do.  Eat clean and move more.  But right now I have to fight for it.  Right now I have to make myself go to I think i can’t safely do another rep.  Eat clean but stay nourished.  The next 8 weeks will be the hardest I have worked this year.  It will be the best executed exercise and eating I have put together consecutively.  I will let whatever results come.  I can only control my effort.  Nothing more.

Tonights workout was chest and back with Ab Ripper X.  I am too tired to post up my results.  I hit some highs for the 6 weeks I have been doing P90x (started originally May 30th, restarted 15 days ago) .  It was a great workout. 

Now, bed.

Weight Watchers Week 16 weigh in and progress pics

Well, it was a loss, but not much.

I weighed in officially at 207.4 this am.  I have been 207 or 208 the last 5 weight watcher weighins.  I am not going to lie and say its not frustrating.  But as I have been telling myself over and over, all I can do is eat right, do the exercise and keep a positive attitude and the rest will fall in place.  My weight has no choice but to drop if I do those things.  However slow it may come, it will come.

I am not stepping on any scale this week other than the Weight Watchers scale next Saturday.  I am really going to bare down and stay away from my trigger foods, a big one of which is chocolate chip cookies.  Those were the food indiscretions I talked about last night in my blog.  I had a few of em each day wed, thur and fri after nat made some for the kids. 

I have Kempo X up on the agenda for exercise today and a rest day tomorrow (Stretch X) but I may do cardio X I don’t know we’ll see how I feel.  I used my dumbells last night for some of the leg exercises and i liked it.  I am excited about having the weights to add to some of the movements in P90x, and I also got two more heavy duty resistance bands for exercises I still want to do with those.  I am expecting a really good week of workouts this coming week, and I will break this 207 weight watchers scale barrier.  I weighed myself for the first time all week on my scale on my way out the door this am, and before putting on my shorts and t shirt I was 205.5.  The lowest I have seen on my scale was a week ago yesterday I think (or was it two weeks ago?) and it was 203.1.  So I am not far off.  I know I am starting to build some muscle, so I will do my best to not allow the scale define my success or progress.  This is why I take progress pics once a week.  You can see this weeks pic below.

Off to enjoy the day with the family.